The following are actual, real emails that I have sent to actual, real people about things that bother me and why I should not have access to the internet.
To:
Anyone Listening Person
Cc:
My Wife to Laugh With Me
Bcc:
Subject: Help Me Stop My Robot’s Smear Campaign
My account number :rrr564564edacted
Hi, my Roborock has started rebelling. I have followed the manual and instructions religiously yet in the past few months I have had not one, not two, but five separate run ins with the Roborock robot running over poop and smearing it.
Don’t get me wrong, this little robot is one of my loves of my life. It seemed to work amazing in the beginning.
I have had 3 brain and 3 spine surgeries including a spinal fusion that make things like floor maintenance incredibly difficult to do. Impossible, even. My little Broccoli (that’s her name) was a huge relief and my floors went from feeling like unwalkable and unwelcoming messes to being so smooth and silky shiny I could walk barefoot if I wanted to.
So I worshiped this robot. She got cleaned as the instructions told me to do on a regular basis. OMO cleaner ONLY in the tanks. Regular changing of the pads.
Yet she started going downhill. We don’t even have hills here and she still managed. I don’t know why or at what point the rebellion began. I firmly believe in being nice to robots and AI. So it’s not out of rudeness she decided to just smear shit all over our kitchen floors. It’s not like we regularly shit on the floors, either. We have a new puppy. His name is Dorian. He’s adorable.
I’m writing you because I’ve cleaned her and tried too many times now to prevent this apocalypse. Yet now she gets stuck on everything, finds herself in invisible corners, breaks her own map all too frequently, and the final straw is seeing a hot fresh pile of poop and deciding it would be more than swell to spread that rather than smartly avoid it.
Please help me. My house is not a poop-covered mess we just have 2 dogs a puppy and an angry set of sibling cats and now a robot who thinks making that even more chaotic is funny.
Dana
They replied and help was not sent on the way and the smear campaign continued. Thankfully, I bought insurance. And by “I” I mean my wife (thanks, baby.)
To
Potential Therapist
Cc
No one because This is embarrassing
Bcc
My best friends because it’s embarrassing.
Subject
New potential patient with little patience these days
Hi potential therapist, I’m Author.
I am looking to start peeling back my multilayers of parfait (onion if you’re not a Shrek fan.)
I have many issues and none of them belong on a magazine. I’m looking to work with someone who can appreciate my humor (defense mechanism obv,) and my long history of neurosurgeries, and probably lots of other things I mentally block out.
I checked out your website and am excited to see if we could be a good therapizing pair. I understand it takes two to tango in therapy. I live in, Florida and saw you were licensees in CA and Fl. I’m assuming any appointments would be virtual as I don’t own a private jet.
Any insight you have or even if you have ideas where to look elsewhere would go miles in my eyes.
Appreciatingly,
Dana
They did not reply 🫠.
To
My Primary Care
Cc
The Nurse Practitioner
Bcc
My Wife
Subject
“I know we just talked but you know me..”
Hi Dr Redacted,
I know you JUST saw me virtually but right after I started having a sore front throat. Not like the sick kind. Nor on the inside of my throat but on the neck part.
Yea, the part next to my surgical scar but like, not on it.
Today I went to the Dentist (go me!) and they think that that lumpy area could be my thyroid (their words not mine.)
I did NOT go down any Dr. Google rabbit holes but I know how important it is to tell you if stuff comes up and well, it came up. Like immediately.
The dentist told me I can’t ignore this so here I am asking what to do.
Gratefully Alive Thanks to You,
Dana
They Replied. I’m getting an ultrasound of my thyroid ASAP.